By Makalay Saidiatu Sonda

It is not that I want to open the pandoras box on domestic violence. But it is all over my face, on social media, at the restaurant, in juicy girlie gossips, everywhere. Ladies whispering and sometimes talking loudly enough that I cannot help but eaves drop.  The activist, feminist and gender expert in me have been forcing my brain to analyse all these cases and the root causes. From Dr. moumita’s, to Sia’s to the more subtle cases of trad wives such as ‘Ballerina farm’ and ‘Nara Smith’ which had people arguing all over TikTok whether it is a dream life or life of abuse.

Domestic and gender-based violence is rooted in negative power relations, religion, patriarchal traditional values and beliefs, hyper masculinity, toxic masculinity, misogyny, sexism etc. etc. I can go on and on if there was nothing like ‘etc. etc.’ in the English language because so many other things that we rarely consider and often see as “feminist rantings” are tied to this.

Patriarchy a system that…(pause). I have so many thoughts and definitions of patriarchy that it is difficult to put my thoughts together and write a definition here. In my mind, (commotions of thoughts going on) I thought…is it a system where male dominate every stratum of society? Is it a social system that has succeeded in oppressing women at all levels?

The thoughts were many, and yes all are correct, but I didn’t know which one to choose. So, I decided to ask Siri. And Siri came up with two definitions. “Patriarchy is a social system in which positions of authority are primarily held by men” and the second definition Siri came up with was actually not a definition but a highlighted feature on a news channel with the title “The three pillars of rape culture- religion, patriarchy and capitalism.”  Both responses that siri came up with struck me, and I was like yes, that’s it!”

When we live in a global social system, wherein all positions are primarily male dominated and women are largely excluded, it breeds power imbalances and negative power relations right across the world. The male gender becomes powerful, and they always try to exert control and show that power. The home is no exception. Intimate relationship is no exception.

This system influences and dictates how we raise our sons and daughters. How we perceive masculinity and femininity. This binary created puts us apart. You must stay in your lane if you are a man and show how “manly” you are, and this means that you have to be able to provide, to be a ‘protector’, to show aggression, lead, to not look weak, to not show emotions, to lack empathy and not show an ounce of the feminine.   And if you are a woman, you have to be submissive, docile, demure, show weakness, nurture, and allow the man to provide. Allowing the man to provide is “yes, you can have career dreams but not big ones otherwise you threaten the man.” “You can be educated but not too educated because men will run away from you.”  “Have money as a woman but a man’s money is always sweeter.” “Men are scum but it is better for you to cry in Lambogini rather than Kehkeh.”

These have birthed the many social problems that we have. Parents raise their children to conform to these standards. Boys and girls are trained to aspire to attain these standards of masculinity and femininity.  Religion teaches and reinforces these.  Our cultural beliefs and attitudes are shaped by these standards. We internalised it all.  The result: misogyny, sexism, objectification.   Men hating women and not seeing them as equal human beings, women being objectified everyday online and offline, women not seen as having the same intellect as men but rather some bunch of species of the human race with an intellect beneath that of a man and a little bit higher of that of a child. Let me drop phrases that I have seen and heard online that clearly explains these in simple terms.

“You know say woman dem sense nor betteh or na woman dem nor kin think”

“If you nor get Nyansh waytin you gain?”

“Marry the smart one for my children and be with the big nyansh for myself.”

I bet you have seen these before but never thought about them in a critical way and ask why. The truth is we live in a gender unequal world and women are oppressed and will continue to be oppressed if we do not fight against patriarchy. Our daughters’ lives will continue to be at risk of domestic and gender-based violence because it all boils down to power and the culture that we have created.